Where is the girl I was before

  Wondering this morning, where is the happy, open, grace filled, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt girl i was before the world of dating came into my life? I liked her, and I have realized she has gone missing, I want her back. Question is how to retrieve her? The girl I am today is still holding out hope that somewhere in this vast universe there is another person who will like me for my good points and think that my not so good points just aren't all that bad.
  Today I seem to be what I tried for so many years not to be. Jaded, and skeptical. Trust is a valuable thing and how many times can a woman be burnt before trust becomes non existent? 10-100? I don't have any answers. Wish I did.
 I had a man asks me out for coffee last week, and I replied "Coffee would be great!". I ask where and when because I am still willing to be willing to see if there is a chance to either find love and companionship or even friendship and at the least a pleasant conversation to break up the monotony of being a single retired woman, with so much to offer. The answer I got from the man was "THAT is the question, I am so busy with softball (which will end soon) that my schedule is packed. What does your schedule look like?" ........Ummm, did I just miss something? Let me re-read it again, Nope, I read it right. He asked me out for coffee, which at most would last 30 minutes to an hour (if the conversation was good). And he is too busy for coffee? Then why in the world would he even ask me out? Shaking My Head at that and at one other thing. I am retired, I do not have a schedule anymore, I buried that 70 hr a week schedule and it is long gone. I do admit I miss it sometimes, then really think about it and say no, I am happy, here in the now. So he can't meet for coffee anytime in the foreseeable future, and wants to know my schedule. Why would my schedule make a difference, if he is so jam packed himself? Again, what am I missing?  I reply "No worries. Maybe you can contact me again when you can break away for 30 minutes. He asks again "What is your schedule?" I just didn't reply.
  I really do try very hard to not be rude, and I have always thought not answering was just that, rude.
I have decided that sometimes you just don't have a choice, no answer was better than saying all the other things on my mind, which would do not one bit of good anyway.
  So here I am, a bit jaded and very skeptical, looking around the proverbial corners when approached by a man ,to see what traps may be hidden that can burn me. Wondering about whether there will ever be a man out there that I could even develop a friendship with let alone fall head over heels for. I am going to try to find that happy go lucky, everything is beautiful, love my rose colored glasses girl I was just a few years ago. This time I am looking for her inside of me, without a man involved.

I will never date a Salesman again

I tried to end all communication with TicketMan, by a nice text, since this is his preferred style of communication. Wishing him well and letting him know it was just not working out. Never ever ever tell a Hard core salesman NO. He won't listen. He is differently wired to see that as a further selling point and a challenge to ....seal the deal. No matter the empty promises, the half truths, whatever it takes him to get what he deems he wants.

It was a disaster, he sent text of not understanding, and I think maybe he really didn't, seeing as he was happy and that is his focus. I truly believe he is selfish. I tried to meet and explain my thoughts and feelings. Then being nice, I allowed him to see if he could just once ask me out on a real date. One that did not include ticket sales or Vacuum sales pitches or the new supplement MLM that he is involved with. He said yes, I will take you out for a date that does not include ticket sales, soon. Soon being the operative word, in a long diatribe of words a salesman uses to his advantage. I am not holding my breath as I know he can't do it. He won't see any value to him by being giving for no reason.

During our conversation about why I can no longer date you, I discovered that his own Mother hangs up on him, because he calls her and sales pitches her, His grown children want nothing to do with him, he can't even see his grandchildren, Grown kids. he says. are still mad at him for a failed marriage with their mother. No one except the persons involved know the whole story of why marriages survive, thrive or fail. But when your mother hangs up on you , or covers her ears when you are talking and you cant see kids or grands, there might be an issue. Did I mention, he told me he lives with his Daughter, gkids and his Xwife. Now, this is a giant red flag, that I want nothing to do with. Thank goodness this appeared very early in dating him. I can be relieved to not be involved in any of this messy situation. He might be looking for a woman that will let him crash with benefits for how long it lasts. Hummm........not here, Bub.

I know that family's have their things, mine has had them too. So, I am screening his text messages, and now I believe I have to not respond since saying,........No, have a nice life didn't work. There is a new phrase going around............Ghosting..........the act of leaving someone by way of disappearing, never communicating again, ignoring without explanation, etc. Unfortunately I am adopting this for this situation. It won'd be easy for me, I do have a kind heart and try to be fair and give grace always

Sad to do it, I will be stronger for it. I need to love, first God, then myself. I need to grow and learn  so that I am better equipped for any other relationship I may be looking for.

Can't say I didn't try

Well, I told you about my dating a guy that I had told no previously. It just goes to show you that your first instincts are usually correct. During the brief 3 weeks of dating 3 to 4 dates a week, I have decided he is not the one for me to date.

I write poetry. I don't expect anyone I date to fall in love with my passion and/or my love of the written word. But, I was not expecting to have to dissect every word of a poem I shared with this man. He needed each word or phrase explained. I do know that poetry isn't for everyone. I just felt a bit let down when explaining what I wrote meant. It does lose everything in translation. I quickly quit sharing a new poem or an opportunity with my writing with him. That cut off a large part of who I am. That is never a good sign. Oh, he would tell me that I am a smart and good writer. Then he would ask me to write a poem about his profession of sales. He will never understand inspiration and how you don't control what you write, it just comes in waves. Ah well.

Here is a synopsis of a couple of dates I accepted with this man. He texted and asked me if I wanted to go see Rush. I did jump at the chance to go to an arena and hear a national act. I got all dolled up and he picked me up, we made our way downtown, traversed the traffic and finally found a parking place. I was getting excited to be doing something different. He didn't have tickets, I found out, but he said it wouldn't be a problem, He would just buy two from a scalper. Well, we hung out on a corner for an hour, and he did not buy tickets, oh, he talked to the scalpers, but did not buy any tickets.Picture me hanging out on a street corner dressed to the nines. What I must have looked like?
I hesitate to ask. LOL.

End of this story is that we never went to the concert, his backup plan was to get pizza. So much for live music and being dressed up. The next date,he asked if I wanted to hang out and then go see a Royals game. I said sure, and he picked me up so that I could ride around with him while he paid bills and ran errands. I was ok with that. It would give us a chance to talk. Everything was going well until we got to the ballpark. He had a hand full of tickets he wanted to sell and he did. He also did not keep two back for us to go in and see the game. So much for watching baseball.

I look back with hindsight and wonder why would someone ask you to go to an event they never had any intention of attending. What was the real reason he wanted me to tag along? Was he just not wanting to be lonely? Was I some sort of arm candy to him to show off to his friends (some I did meet)? Well, I am done. I can not go to a ball game or a concert by myself and not have to get all dressed up for nothing. I can order pizza and I cannot hang out on a downtown street corner too. I will be the better for it I know.

And the saga of middle aged dating will continue. I am a positive woman and hope springs eternal.

Dating is a crap shoot

In between coffee dates that are either nothing, to nice but no "click", to so horrible that you hope you can forget that time spent, and soon, there comes a connection. Like I said it is still a crap shoot, by this age we all have "been there, done that" and some more than once. Hopefully, we learn from it and try at least to not repeat the same actions again. Each new dating situation is unique because the other person is brand new to you. The introspection comes when you realize that you and you alone are the common denominator in each encounter. Kind of a sad reality.

I had been telling a man no, since we had a date a year ago. There is something to be said for your first impressions, gut instincts, call it what fits. I said no to him after one dinner where he spent the whole time on his phone texting. Put your dang phone on vibrate for the blessed hour you are supposed to be trying to impress someone new. I told him we would not be a good match. I look for character traits, heart touches, and plenty of chemistry when I am meeting someone who I may date and connect with.

Well, this man waited a few months and tried again, and again I was polite but not accepting, and this went on until two weeks ago. I let him back in, and accepted a dinner date almost to the date a yr ago that I said no. Plenty of promises, are worthless words without action behind them, nice compliments, and lots of laughter. I may have been mistaken, or people do change in a years time, due to circumstances of life. Maybe it is me that changed.

So, here I am dating someone a little bit. I have a very guarded heart, and a brick wall that I would be more than happy to tear down. I am waiting for the actions to show me I can. Time does tell everything every time.

Second guessing yourself

After years of trying to date, I realize that I have started second guessing myself. I will accept a date, and go into it with the same hope that it will be decent at the least and the most. Not expecting fireworks any longer, not waiting for butterflies. Just a hope there will not be any indecent touching, or inappropriate comments about my looks or attributes.

Each new invite and acceptance to enjoy a meal, a coffee, or a walk about is a lesson in humanity. None of us is perfect and everyone is unique in their own right. It is so elusive to find that one other person that compliments our own uniqueness. Most of the time there are at least one or two commonalities that can tie the two of you together at least for an evening. Providing each one is polite, and tries to inject some humor too to keep the evening fun.

I have recently been on a few dates with a man , and now I am picking it all apart to see if there are any deal breakers or if there are more pro's than con's. I need to know that I am being sensible and not just letting emotions rule my behaviors. I am second guessing myself and am not so sure my "picker isn't broken" . I say I want a partner again, I wonder if I tend to find something wrong with every man I meet as a way of protecting myself from hurt. These are valid issues I know I am not the only one dealing with it.

I am not going to end anything, I am hoping to watch and see if this new dating situation is what he says it is. Actions do speak louder than words!!!

I have tried most of the dating options available. Online from various dating sites, in person, Facebook, being set up. But, let's face it. Unless you decide to date your best male buddy, chances are you are both strangers to start. And people are people no matter the venue you choose to meet them through. I have found that it makes no difference whether it is in person or online. Good and bad happens from both places.

Looking back at some of the most memorable dates of the past 8 yrs. A few do stand out in my mind. Names have either been omitted or changed. Creative license, you know.

Let's go back maybe 7 yrs, when I was new to online dating. A recent widow with more hope than sense. With any dating situation you look for commonalities, and with this man, I found that we both knew the value of Organic produce. He was an Organic farmer and I bought organics, so.....Well the date started off nice. He was a tall man, not unpleasant to look at, black hair, beard, and kind eyes. He asked if I wanted to go on a few produce sales with him to some of the 4 star restaurants in the area. This sounded quite interesting, and I said yes. We met with the Chef of the restaurants and he picked from the back of the van, the heirloom produce that he wanted to use for the evenings offerings. I worked the calculator to determine the price for each vegetable or fruit. It was interesting.

Once we had sold the produce in the van, our plan was to enjoy a meal. I picked my favorite Middle Eastern restaurant. It was in my neighborhood and I was familiar with the area, and when you are on an online date, that is what you want ,familiarity. The first odd thing that happened was, he did not sit across from me in the booth the host offered us. He sat next to me, and put me on the inside. I felt very uncomfortable, but, remember I was naive and new to dating.

This quickly became a problem as this guy had roaming hands. After removing his hands from various areas of my person, I picked up his hand and loudly enough said "NO". That did make him stop with the touching. Had I not been squished on the inside and was I not a bit insecure, I would have been able to tell him to go sit across the table. You know the saying, Coulda, Woulda, Shoula?  I should have immediately stood up and walked out on Roaming Hands Man. Boy, do I have a voice now that I didn't have then!!

We finished our meal and he was driving me a couple blocks to my car. Once we arrived at the location of my vehicle. He turned to me and said, "My momma usually does this for me" and while lifting his shirt off his back he said " Would you please pick the tics off my back?" OMG, this man's back was covered in tiny black seed tics. I was shocked, and grossed out. In fact, I started itching just thinking that I sat really close to him thru dinner and the last 4 hours. My hand was already positioned on the door handle, and while opening the door with one leg out, I replied. "I am going to pass on that! You better get your Momma to keep doing that for you!!" Out the door I flew, ran to my car and took the long way home. I did not want him to follow me in any way. I had my son check my hair and back for ticks off and on for days after. HaHa, I kept having phantom itching!!

This man called me and emailed me for 3 weeks, I never responded, and I guess he just didn't get how awful a first date that actually was. This was just a picture of what trying to date has been like from time to time. I can chuckle about it now, and refer to him as "Tic Man".

Dating is Dancing.....

Dating is like dancing. First there is an invitation to share a bit of your time, your efforts and maybe talent and hopefully it becomes an enjoyable experience. You are usually invited by someone you have little knowledge of, a stranger even. You either accept or decline.

If you accept you have questions, trepidation's, and in a way you are holding  your breath figuratively, to see what kind of dance your partner wants you to join in.

Everyday dancing: This is a dance where the music is friendly and the dancing steps are of a very casual pattern. There is little to no touching with this type of dancing and it can be viewed as comfortable and pleasant. If it goes well, you might be asked to dance again.The two of you were both doing the twist and your moves were attractive and compatible. There would have been some smiling during the dance.

On the other hand if this was not a friendly dance, once the dance ends you both go back to your respective areas and resume your own separate activities. There was no chemistry with the dance and you could tell that you were doing a two step and he was doing a samba. No choreography or compatibility exists in this type of dancing. It could be considered to be even, a bit painful, but, neither of you were rude and waited for the music to stop instead of just walking off of the dance floor. A polite thank you or just a nod and the end.

Every once in a blue moon there will be a dance partner who seems to be a clairvoyant or at the least knows a talented choreographer who determines the steps that provide the most visual imagery, creating a faster heartbeat and the imminent desire to never stop dancing this dance. There will be a strong connection, plenty of eye contact, a touch of hands, a hand on the small of the back and another hand on a shoulder, twirling without loosing the beat. This is a dance that both of you want to enjoy again and again. You are both graduates of  Arthur Murray dance schools!

No matter whether you dance like everyone is watching, or no one at all. Putting yourself out there on the dance floor of dating can be a crap shoot. Best to try to enjoy it till the music stops!