Where is the girl I was before

  Wondering this morning, where is the happy, open, grace filled, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt girl i was before the world of dating came into my life? I liked her, and I have realized she has gone missing, I want her back. Question is how to retrieve her? The girl I am today is still holding out hope that somewhere in this vast universe there is another person who will like me for my good points and think that my not so good points just aren't all that bad.
  Today I seem to be what I tried for so many years not to be. Jaded, and skeptical. Trust is a valuable thing and how many times can a woman be burnt before trust becomes non existent? 10-100? I don't have any answers. Wish I did.
 I had a man asks me out for coffee last week, and I replied "Coffee would be great!". I ask where and when because I am still willing to be willing to see if there is a chance to either find love and companionship or even friendship and at the least a pleasant conversation to break up the monotony of being a single retired woman, with so much to offer. The answer I got from the man was "THAT is the question, I am so busy with softball (which will end soon) that my schedule is packed. What does your schedule look like?" ........Ummm, did I just miss something? Let me re-read it again, Nope, I read it right. He asked me out for coffee, which at most would last 30 minutes to an hour (if the conversation was good). And he is too busy for coffee? Then why in the world would he even ask me out? Shaking My Head at that and at one other thing. I am retired, I do not have a schedule anymore, I buried that 70 hr a week schedule and it is long gone. I do admit I miss it sometimes, then really think about it and say no, I am happy, here in the now. So he can't meet for coffee anytime in the foreseeable future, and wants to know my schedule. Why would my schedule make a difference, if he is so jam packed himself? Again, what am I missing?  I reply "No worries. Maybe you can contact me again when you can break away for 30 minutes. He asks again "What is your schedule?" I just didn't reply.
  I really do try very hard to not be rude, and I have always thought not answering was just that, rude.
I have decided that sometimes you just don't have a choice, no answer was better than saying all the other things on my mind, which would do not one bit of good anyway.
  So here I am, a bit jaded and very skeptical, looking around the proverbial corners when approached by a man ,to see what traps may be hidden that can burn me. Wondering about whether there will ever be a man out there that I could even develop a friendship with let alone fall head over heels for. I am going to try to find that happy go lucky, everything is beautiful, love my rose colored glasses girl I was just a few years ago. This time I am looking for her inside of me, without a man involved.

I will never date a Salesman again

I tried to end all communication with TicketMan, by a nice text, since this is his preferred style of communication. Wishing him well and letting him know it was just not working out. Never ever ever tell a Hard core salesman NO. He won't listen. He is differently wired to see that as a further selling point and a challenge to ....seal the deal. No matter the empty promises, the half truths, whatever it takes him to get what he deems he wants.

It was a disaster, he sent text of not understanding, and I think maybe he really didn't, seeing as he was happy and that is his focus. I truly believe he is selfish. I tried to meet and explain my thoughts and feelings. Then being nice, I allowed him to see if he could just once ask me out on a real date. One that did not include ticket sales or Vacuum sales pitches or the new supplement MLM that he is involved with. He said yes, I will take you out for a date that does not include ticket sales, soon. Soon being the operative word, in a long diatribe of words a salesman uses to his advantage. I am not holding my breath as I know he can't do it. He won't see any value to him by being giving for no reason.

During our conversation about why I can no longer date you, I discovered that his own Mother hangs up on him, because he calls her and sales pitches her, His grown children want nothing to do with him, he can't even see his grandchildren, Grown kids. he says. are still mad at him for a failed marriage with their mother. No one except the persons involved know the whole story of why marriages survive, thrive or fail. But when your mother hangs up on you , or covers her ears when you are talking and you cant see kids or grands, there might be an issue. Did I mention, he told me he lives with his Daughter, gkids and his Xwife. Now, this is a giant red flag, that I want nothing to do with. Thank goodness this appeared very early in dating him. I can be relieved to not be involved in any of this messy situation. He might be looking for a woman that will let him crash with benefits for how long it lasts. Hummm........not here, Bub.

I know that family's have their things, mine has had them too. So, I am screening his text messages, and now I believe I have to not respond since saying,........No, have a nice life didn't work. There is a new phrase going around............Ghosting..........the act of leaving someone by way of disappearing, never communicating again, ignoring without explanation, etc. Unfortunately I am adopting this for this situation. It won'd be easy for me, I do have a kind heart and try to be fair and give grace always

Sad to do it, I will be stronger for it. I need to love, first God, then myself. I need to grow and learn  so that I am better equipped for any other relationship I may be looking for.